The loneliness of being a lesbian
June 15, 2024
Mood: Kino - Кончится лето
(Wow, a post a year to the day I started this blog. Nice one. I hadn't noticed before I was about to write the filename.)
I don't talk all that much about my sexual orientation itself, because it's not something that I find to be all that important. In our world, and especially in that community full of weirdos I don't want to be associated with, however, it seems that it's almost compulsory to talk about it or at least look as gay as possible, otherwise you're assumed to be straight. To put it in your bio, just like your mental health diagnoses. To display the flag. I don't need a lesbian flag, the rainbow flag maybe with a double Venus sign was more than enough. The most ostensibly gay thing I wear is the tattoo on my forearm that has two violets. Those flowers are a symbol of sapphic love, and they are subtle enough that only someone who'd really pay attention would get it, and if not, I just happen to have pretty flowers on my arm, which aren't even visible if I wear long sleeves. But wearing rainbow attire? No way. I don't need people to know explicitely. I don't even mention it all that much IRL unless I happen to mention relationships or something. If someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, I would say no, and that I'd be more likely to get a girlfriend anyway, leaving it at that, no further explanation. It's not all so different than if I were straight, and I like it this way.
I wasn't always like that though, I would almost shout it on the rooftops when I was a teenager, but I was just that: a teenager. It's all exciting when you realize who you are and you want a girlfriend desperately. Too bad I was too mentally fucked up to have one, and at the time, it wasn't as prevalent as it would be today. 2015 is almost a decade ago, there was not yet such emphasis on the "queer" stuff that is now everywhere.
When I was little, I thought I was weird or abnormal for not having all that much of an interest in boys. I just never met a boy who made my heart aflutter, or that I wanted to be near all the time. I was always more interested in female characters and never really cared for the princes or the heroes. I did have male friends, one of my first best friends in pre-K was male (and my mother joked that he was my fiancé already), but there was never that "extra thing". I never felt "the thing" that set it apart. I would never just see a boy and want to watch him, or want to get to know him, or found him "pretty". But at the time, I didn't know it was possible for a girl to like girls. I just assumed I was weird, and I would choose a boy to "have a crush on" and fake it. I did it several times in my childhood, one of my most memorable times being at the age of 7.
At the time, I lived in Martinique, so I was one of the only white kids in the school. I had a crush on an older girl, perhaps a year older than me. Said girl had a little brother, I think, a grade younger than me, and they were, just like I was the white minority, the only Asians in the school. I would pretend to fancy her little brother and chase him around the school to get her attention. And it worked. She was mad at me, would tell me to stop, she probably hated my guts, but I was so thrilled to be near her each time. I don't remember exactly how she looked like, save for her short black hair, her light purple shirt, white sport pants if I recall good... but most importantly, the thrill of seeing her, that pure, visceral, wordless craving that characterized my still innocent feelings at the time. It was overpowering, with a hint of forbidden as girls are supposed to like boys, but so utterly delicious, and both my heart and stomach are reacting to the memories, as well as the corners of my lips that cannot contain a smile. Ah, those beautiful childhood crushes that did not involve heartbreak so soul-shattering that it felt like I was going to die... but instead were pure wonder, just feeling a whole lot of love, admiring the beauty of another girl and not yet understanding what my heart was telling me, even when it was not mutual.
(Davina, j'ai essayé de te retrouver à plusieurs reprises, mais je ne me rappelle plus de ton nom de famille... cela dit, si tu tombes sur ce blog d'une manière ou d'une autre, rappelle-toi de la fille de CE1 à Fort-de-France qui embêtait ton frère, la "petite boule de nerfs"... c'est elle qui, dix-huit ans plus tard, écrit ce blog... que le temps passe vite, mais les émotions restent...)
In my teenage years, I found lesbians as a community to be really angry and almost closed-off people. I didn't know why many of them didn't want to date bisexuals, why many of them hated men (this stereotype is actually not that untrue, I've seen quite a few of them), and I didn't yet understand the struggles. I guess I wasn't mature enough to understand, and I also happened to have quite a few bi friends, though to be fair, I think a lot of them were spicy straights more than actually bisexual. Think, the kind of girl who is all about boys, but once had a crush on a girl and then "identifies" as bisexual, even if she is functionally and most likely straight. I had a couple ones like that. Another one, one of my former university friends, dated a girl for a while in high school but did not enjoy sex with women, but still referred to herself as bi, which did not quite sit right with me. If you're not attracted to girls or don't enjoy sex with them, then... you're straight and you had an experience? I don't see what would be wrong with saying the truth, that you experimented but found out that you preferred dudes and that you're most likely heterosexual?
As an adult, and especially moreso since the mantra of "trans women are women" has permeated society and has become something you should not ever dare to question lest you're sentenced to execution by virtual lapidation, I entirely get it and I feel just as stressed as they felt back then and still feel. Not angry, not mad, but just stressed out, almost in a dead end and uncertain about the future, especially given that the meaning of the word "lesbian" has apparently changed. From a homosexual woman, it has become "a non-man who is only attracted to non-men", not only implying woman is a dirty word, but also proceeding to make the whole thing about men again when supposedly it's putting them out of the equation... Congratulations, y'all are geniuses. And now a large portion of same-sex attracted women now refer to themselves as "queer", many being functionally straight people perhaps at 1 on the Kinsey scale. Meanwhile, I refuse to call myself queer. I'm a lesbian. Not a "queer woman". I do not agree with the ideology and I refuse to be associated with it.
Actual sexual orientation is now dismissed as a "genital preference", or worse, a "genital fetish", and that's probably the ultimate level of insulting, the one right before being "I love hearts not parts", which sounds sweet, but implies monosexuals are solely attracted to people because of what's in their pants, and that those who are bisexual or "pansexual" are morally superior or something. Women who don't want to date a trans woman because she's trans are considered transphobic, but it's not out of hostility most of the time even: it's just that a transgender woman is exactly what it implies, a biological male who lives as female, and lesbians are not attracted to biological males, but to biological females. This is what homosexuality is about. Biological sex, not "gender identity".
That's why "trans women are women" is an incredibly stupid statement in my opinion because if those trans women really were women, they wouldn't have to transition in the first place. A transgender woman was born male and will never have the full experience of being female such as being socialized as such, the onset of periods, the emotional sensitivity inherent to women, the ability to get pregnant naturally, the fully female experience. And this is not out of hostility that I say it, nor do I have any beef with actual transgender people. Many of them are perfectly nice and I might even have met a few without realizing it because they transitioned to such a point that I wouldn't know, but a vocal minority of the community is making things miserable for everyone, especially lesbians. Strangely enough no one shits gay men for not wanting to date trans men, or not as much. It's always about shitting on the ladies, isn't it?... I get why they were angry, honestly. It's painful and I feel it too.
Even without being a hardcore feminist (or even considering myself one, for that matter, although I guess many of the things I do can be considered feminist), you see that society cannot tolerate that some women may not desire men at all. If you are young, then it is worse. My brother's ex-girlfriend, a lovely lady still and who I cherish a lot, has invalidated me though probably without intending to.
I was 16 at the time, and she told me that she thought she was a lesbian when she was my age, that she would even have sex with women, but that as she got older, in her 20s, she went back to men because she just felt like she was straight, and the good old "you're young, you can't know yet, things will evolve" or something worded in a similar vein. You're too young to know, you're straight, you'll find the right man, it's all the same old thing that many of us have been told, sometimes by older people who've never seen a gay person in their life, sometimes by pervy men who'd be very happy taking you into bed, or from bisexual people who don't get it. I also had one of these bisexual friends (who now, ironically enough, identifies as nonbinary and pansexual, but is biologically female) who told me that I should maybe try guys, since my lack of luck with women was abysmal, and that it was weird that I didn't like penetration at the time, even from a plastic dick held by a woman, somehow implying I was possibly bisexual but afraid of men or something.
Honestly, I wouldn't mind it if my perfect person happened to be a bi girl who prefers women, but I think once I'm ready to try and date again (no idea when still), I will state that I would prefer a fellow lesbian. That way, I'd have a partner who gets what my experience was like, and possibly would have had the same.
For years I tried to make myself like men, to no avail, and not just in my childhood. I kissed a boy in the equivalent of 5th grade because he had a crush on me and I thought I had to just like him too, but I didn't quite like it and didn't even care that he "cheated" on me with another girl on a school trip. I even almost dated one over the internet a few years ago (a friend from a language Discord server), but I bolted fairly fast especially when the question of sex came up. It's just so lonely being a lesbian, and I wanted to have a chance with somebody for once, to know that it would end up in success, but... that wasn't quite that. I did get a chance, but at a cost that I still feel bad about years later, and that I feel I've been accordingly punished for.
I feel sad when I think about marrying a man, because I would spend all my life wondering what it's like with a woman. It just doesn't feel right for me to "surrender" and just give up, despite my inclinations towards being somewhat conservative and the feeling that I may never really have a chance with my own sex. Even though I can admit that some guys look aesthetically handsome, because some people just are gorgeous, I just can't feel any sexual desire for them, just like there are some women who are absolute beauties but not my type. I can get emotionally attached to a person regardless of gender, but I don't want to kiss a man ever, not even one that would be super good looking. I just don't have it in me to feel attraction to people with XY chromosomes. And I guess that's a truth I can't really escape from, that I am doomed to be associated to the assholes I mentioned who tyrannize everyone into being functionally bisexual.
But for me, I feel kind of scared for the future, as I mentioned. My experiences have never been good, as you know by reading my blog. Given the poor mental health of many lesbians, I'm kind of terrified that I will have to settle for someone who has more issues than me, or worse, who is completely out of her mind, for lack of better options, and that a healthy relationship is not something I can achieve. Or that I will just find no one, as everyone remotely compatible would think like the people I wrote about who are absorbed into the cult. Or that my interests are too niche, that the fact I hate cities would make it impossible for me to find a partner, or that no one can keep up with me, or that I'll just wear everyone down over time because I'm just too much, or not enough.
Granted, I'd rather be alone than with someone with untreated borderline personality disorder, but still, at 24, I already feel like I'm past my prime, even if many people are not married before their 30s. Hell, my brother will soon turn 34 and he's got no wife. But me, 24 with no proper relationship experience besides one-sided situations? After a while, it will likely be a red flag. I'll be like those leftovers that no one wanted, or like that kid who is picked last in PE.
I see wrinkles on my face in the morning and I panic. If I'm old, I'm fucked. If I lose my beauty, nothing will attract a future mate, my value will be entirely lost, because I'm neither bubbly, nor docile, nor "fun" to be around. If I see my weight going over 50-52kg, which is low average BMI for someone my height, I already feel fat and like the fatter I get, the less desirable I will become, and the uglier I will feel. I know I'm nowhere near fat and I wouldn't look bad even at 55kg, if just a little curvier, but I feel like I have to remain borderline underweight in order to feel beautiful. I noticed that one of my waist's sides is a little more "creased", which made me paranoid that I had scoliosis, and it sent me into the same panic, feeling like that's yet another thing that would make no one want to sleep with me. Most likely, though, it's from sitting in a weird position.
A former classmate of mine, who is a year older than me, has been married to her wife for two years. Classmate in question told me, back in the day, that she knew I was a lesbian, and that it was okay for me to be, that she was, too. They are apparently very happy together, from what my mother tells me. I wish them happiness, but at the same time, I feel bad that I can't just bask in knowing that they are happy. It just brings me back to the dreadful loneliness I've been feeling for many years, and adds on top of that this layer of guilt. "It always has to go back to you, you, and you, Aral", says the voice. "It always has to be about you. Narcissist."
The idea that one day, someone will actually find me attractive as a whole, not just my face, or my body, or one personality trait, and will want to put up with me for the rest of her life feels so foreign. I write all the time about my shipgirls being in love, but at the end of the day, I wonder if it's not just that I've turned to writing and living vicariously through my own characters as to alleviate this soul-crushing feeling of loneliness.
Oklahoma was badly damaged psychologically by the emotional, physical and even sexual abuse of her sister Nevada, but still managed to find a family (New York, Arkansas, Texas), and most importantly a healthy and solid relationship with Texas, which lasted twenty years (eighteen married) through sometimes years-long deployments to different fleets and later disability, until Oklahoma's eventual death from said disability. Seventy-seven years later, Texas still remains faithful to her lost wife.
Pennsylvania believed herself to be useless if she was not taking care of her livelier sister Arizona, as well as unlovable due to being rejected by her former crush California, but Tennessee was persistent and gained her affection over time, until Pennsylvania broke down and revealed her feelings, expecting to be rejected, but instead was met with a yes, and they lasted until Pennsylvania was scuttled after Operation Crossroads. It also lasted through the horrible period that was World War II, when Pennsylvania was in the throes of despair and mentally unstable from losing Arizona and straight up witnessing her blowing up.
Nevada is a character that I think has the potential to be incredibly polarizing due to her being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate for most of her story, was disliked by many in the fleet and straight up hated by some, and yet she had someone who loved her through it all, despite an instance of pretty much almost cheating, and still giving her a chance: it was Utah. Utah loved her despite her many flaws, still would take her back, tried to date someone else but could not, and at the end of the day, they had each other until Utah was brutally killed alongside Arizona.
Arizona had some horrible luck (and probably judge of character) in partners, first getting with Nevada who was mostly interested in her for sex, then New Mexico who could not be faithful and ended up cheating to end their relationship and get with Colorado, but many years later, a sweet romance between her and the repair ship Vestal blossomed, though unconsummated and tragically cut short by the attack on Pearl Harbor.
The thing is, just because I can imagine it doesn't mean it's realistic for me. Deep down, my biggest dream in life is to find this person to share my life with, to alleviate this loneliness that I feel in the world, to feel that I have someone to live for, to create a life with. But the hard truth is that I may never find my Texas, my Tennessee, my Utah, or my Vestal. All of these stories may never take form beyond my imagination. I may die entirely alone, with my dreams unfulfilled, perhaps way before my time comes, from an illness or an accident. I have no proof ultimately that any of this will materialize in my life, that my efforts, if I dare make them, will yield any other result than further wounding, and I am prepared for this possibility that this future that I dream of may just be out of reach. That these shipgirls' experiences may be the only love that is in my reach. I'm genuinely afraid of that, and the fear of drinking another vial of poison and taking more and more time to recover each time is paralyzing. That I will be nobody's love, nobody's most precious treasure, and that I am utterly delusional to desire such a thing or even imagine this could ever be the case. It just doesn't help that dating apps are something I heavily dislike and that I'd be ashamed of possibly finding my future partner on one. It feels like one of these things desperate people do. Shit just feels like an impossible situation, honestly.
Anyway. I've spent too long on this entry already, and it might just be my most controversial one, and I wrote this in a low mood. But I wanted to express how lonely it is to be a lesbian stricto sensu. It feels like an endless struggle, and the lucky ones who find the love of their life young, like my classmate, should count their lucky stars. It's simultaneously the best time to be one, because we can marry and adopt children legally and it's starting to get easier as in social acceptance, but it's also the worst because if you don't think like the majority, you're in for an even harder time. Your dating pool is abysmally small and can only get smaller... and don't get me started on those who serve you the "love yourself" or "be okay with being single" platitudes... it's all an act to pretend to do something. I'd rather have no one say anything than this kind of disingenuous horse manure.