Time of death: 10:21pm

January 26, 2024

Seabrook - Ward Snauwaert

Время смерти: 22:21.
10:21pm. Exactly 5 months after the last time I spoke to her, I've just noticed.

Not my own time of death, I'm alive and will remain so, but the moment where I deleted off my saved messages, the last few ones I had of this girl. I had saved a couple unsent texts to her and it was pretty tragic to see them again, and how... just how the fucking hell did I stay for so long, why didn't I break it off as soon as I felt something was off? I had so many occasions to do this, sweet Jesus. I always say that she had plenty of occasions to do her part and resolve issues with me, but I had just as many occasions to put my foot down and say "okay, I'm done". I should've left when she was not even making more time for me when I was in Almaty for 10 days. 10 days mind you that I had originally planned so we could see each other more than just once.

I get that she had just started university in that timeframe (late start), but I wouldn't be back to Almaty until a long time (might not even come back now... to Kazakhstan yes, one day when I'm ready to touch it again, but Almaty, not sure). Had the roles been reversed I would've entirely made time for her, even if it meant not going to the bazaar with my family. But no. I was here and already being taken for granted. I felt so wronged, I even remember having thought, "there's not gonna be a next time!", but I stuffed it down: after all, who was I to feel wronged for such a reason?

Aral, give her the benefit of the doubt!
Are you an entitled asshole or what?
I mean it's not like she stood you up!
Be grateful you had at least that only time! She had started university!
You have no right to be angry at this! You're a narcissist! You expect too much of others!
No one loves an entitled bitch!

My anger was thus invalid, in my eyes, but now I think it was perfectly sensible. It was already a sign this couldn't go well long-term. But I stayed. I mean, good, I understood that one of the best ways to woo me is to sing to me, but I'm still not over this.

I drew my first finished piece of art since the collapse/blindsiding (early March of 2023) something like 10 days ago. Koi fish. That says so much about how broken I was. Unable to draw a finished piece. Unable to draw. I never spent such a long time without drawing. I'm glad I'm getting back on track, and I'm considering new ways to make art, but... it took me so long. And I'm still healing from it. Almost a goddamn year later. How was that even possible? There are times I thought this part of me may not survive this, like, legitimately. That I would never draw again. But I did. It's probably ready to be back... in a new form. But my old art is dead. It's dead.

One thing that I'll never forgive though: building me up just to break me, and letting me struggle for months without even being arsed to show me the light, to end my misery, because it was glaringly obvious I was lost. And when, all worn down, all out of strength, half-insane, in August, I asked for the truth, "you're not gonna get mad, are you?". Yeah sure I'm going to just accept this with a smile, get fucked hard and say thank you? And the best thing, I fucking did, I was ready to remain friends... oh god what was I thinking. I don't want this back, ever. I don't want the amount of stress, and grief, and inability to create, ever again...

I still have the whole chat in my external hard drive, but probably I will delete it as well at some point. I've also deleted a bunch of people off Telegram. I was considering deleting my account and making a new one, but I got my art archived on here. No, I'll just put on my new nickname, and keep those who are still here.

До свидания, любовь.